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What is a Jew-ish wedding? It’s whatever you want it to be…

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In my opinion the important part of any wedding is the actual ceremony itself. Many people can get lost in the details of the party that comes after and the ceremony just happens through the guidance of a rabbi, priest or registrar. However when you are getting married to someone of a different faith (or no faith at all) then there are some significant choices to be made.

This was something John and I discussed before we were even engaged and knew there was one non-negotiable element to our wedding day. We wanted a chuppah. I had discussed the Jewish wedding ceremony with John who is atheist (unless football is considered a religion??) and we both loved the chuppah’s representation of our first home together, supported by our family and friends. It is universal and whilst it comes from a practice of my Jewish heritage, it also will represent the joining of our two families.

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Missy  & Yoni’s  Jew-ish  wedding ceremony. Click here to read their wedding story

Jew-ish wedding ceremony  options

One thing we weren’t certain of was what the ceremony itself would comprise of. I knew that there wouldn’t be an affiliated rabbi (someone connected to a synagogue organisation) in the UK who would be able to conduct a ceremony or a blessing under a chuppah. Initially I was very frustrated by this. I felt that it was ridiculous that a non-Jewish couple could choose to get married under a canopy after seeing it at a Jewish wedding and liking the symbolism, but I was not able to have a legal wedding or blessing conducted by a rabbi under the same symbolic chuppah.

We could easily have had a civil wedding and then a Jewish blessing straight away, but I didn’t want a long meaningless ceremony followed by a Jewish blessing AND not under a chuppah. Our guests would get bored and so would I for that matter! Many options were bandied about. A civil ceremony earlier on in the day with close family and a blessing that we would invite our guests to? Just a civil ceremony with some sort of Jewish readings? But we didn’t like any of these ideas, they didn’t mean anything to us and I felt like me, my bridesmaids and my mum might need that extra time earlier in the day to put on our war paint! We wanted our wedding to mean something special to us and represent who we are. We said no to the two ceremonies in one day and no to the rabbis.

We decided that we were going to get married legally a few days before our wedding day in a registry office near where we live, just with our close family, and then have a ceremony that truly represents us. This meant that we would be able to get married under a chuppah, with whatever elements we choose and get our family and friends fully involved.

We decided that we wanted to have sheva brachot (seven blessings) written and given to us during the ceremony by seven members of our family and friends, so they will be truly personal to us, a chuppah that we will make ourselves that will showcase the family and friends that have helped to shape us individually until now and John will smash that glass at the end of the ceremony.

Other than that we were excited about all the extra details we would be able to add to our ceremony. But who could we get to ‘officiate’ this ceremony? So along came my charismatic brother Josh who we felt would be a perfect ‘officiant’ for a wedding with his witty banter and strong understanding of Jewish practice and ease of speech that would ensure that all our guests would understand what was going on. Josh has been instrumental in creating this ceremony, yet he still wants to keep a few secrets from John and I. Initially this scared the controlling me, but once I gave him a list of the basic bits we want included and the people we wanted involved, I realised my brother wouldn’t mess up such an important part of the day and let him carry on with his scheming.

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Is it ok to use vendors with no Jewish wedding experience for a Jewish wedding?

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When the first quote came in for a photographer and it was three times more than what we had budgeted for, I started to panic. Had our dreams of a relaxed, fun Jewish wedding on a budget been just that…a dream? Was it possible to have what we wanted within the constraints of our budget? I started to doubt the whole process and realised that we were now going to have to go down another route in our quest to find the vendors that would be able to create the wedding we wanted.

Rather than using vendors I had heard of from other Jewish weddings I took a different approach to my search. Using a range of wedding blogs and ‘real wedding’ write ups I collated a list of vendors that people had used and loved. Vendors  who hadn’t worked on  a Jewish wedding but had had the style of wedding we were hoping to have.

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Choosing a photographer without Jewish wedding experience

Photographs to me tell a story and should capture emotion and people in the moment. For my wedding photographs it was so important that this was the case. I was recommended Razia Jukes by my Mother in Law-to-be who had been at a wedding she was photographing. She said that she was really relaxed and the photos she had been beautiful — this all sounded perfect to me! I soon discovered that Razia features on loads of the blogs I read and I was able to see a big range of her photographs — which were exactly what I was looking for. They told a story with such emotion and love I had pretty much made up my mind before even meeting her!

Razia has never photographed  a Jewish wedding and at first this did worry me. At a Jewish wedding there are those key moments you know you want included: The badeken, the breaking of the glass, up on chairs for the Hora; and for most people knowing that the photographer knows when these moments will happen is a reassurance people want on their wedding day.  But hey, I love a challenge and when we went to meet Razia I realised that it wouldn’t be a problem. We spent a lot of the meeting talking in detail about the ceremony sharing and how the day would run. Her enthusiasm about the different components and their meaning was really reassuring and also made me even more excited about our wedding!

For Razia it isn’t ‘just another Jewish wedding’ and that makes it more special for me. I can’t wait for her to be a part of our day and to see the pictures she takes for us!

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Choosing  a  wedding venue that has never  hosted a Jewish wedding

This kind of set the ball rolling for Gid and I in our vendor search. After that initial panic we soon realised that with a bit more research, and a willingness to take risks, we could find the vendors we wanted that fitted with our theme, that were in budget and were a high quality.

I feel like now is a good time to mention that our venue, Lillibrooke Manor, has  also never hosted  a Jewish wedding and again they seem genuinely thrilled to be arranging  what they see as a new venture for them into the world of Jewish weddings. Initially they had some ideas of how we could set up our ceremony to fit everyone into the space. The ideas were focused on getting in the most amount of people rather than creating the atmosphere we were looking for. When I sat down and went through the ceremony with them they came up with a completely unique idea that we hadn’t thought of before.

They had taken from my description the importance of everyone being involved in the ceremony and that it was about being able to see what was going on just as much as being able to hear what was going on. I am so excited to bring together our vison for the wedding in the most beautiful venue. I know it is going to be incredibly magical and the venue have been really flexible and open to all of our ideas in order to bring together our Jewish wedding with the quirky, rustic barn feel that we want to achieve.

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Real Jewish Brides: How I selected all my wedding vendors in under 10 weeks

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We got engaged in January, and within 10 weeks, I had booked  all  our wedding vendors. I know, I know. That seems super fast, and a lot of brides are curious to know how I made such quick decisions in such a little amount of time, so I’m here to share my secrets…..

To preface, Alex and I are tying the knot across the country (in the USA) from where we currently live (think 3,700+ km). Rather than having the luxury of meeting potential vendors in person over coffee, at their respective studios, as many brides do, it meant that I was left with word-of-mouth referrals, online reviews, and phone conversations as the sole resources to make my final decision.

To be perfectly honest, the only vendor I really cared about meeting in person was the photographer, and of course seeing the venue IRL (in real life). The biggest challenge, in my opinion, is pin pointing where you want the wedding to be. The venue! And it’s true with what they say — Once you have that locked down, the rest sort of falls in line.

Securing a venue gives you a date and a place. You literally cannot do anything without those two. Picking our venue was slightly overwhelming, but once we stepped foot on Tubac Golf Resort and Spa, we knew we hit the jackpot. As I said before, we loved everything about it, and it incorporated everything both Alex and I envisioned for our wedding. We signed our contract within a week of our return flight to Washington, DC. Boom! We had our venue.

OK, so moving onto the other vendors: photographer, cake baker, musicians, florist, and a wedding planner! Now that’s when the ten weeks of non-stop planning really began.

Luckily Tubac had a list of their preferred vendors, folks that are (1) reasonably priced, (2) familiar with the space, staff, and (3) previous brides had been happy with — all aspects are important to a bride-to-be. I used Tubacs preferred vendor list as a springboard in my hunt.  I decided to focus on one vendor category at a time, and went in the order of which vendors I booked.

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Wedding Planner

Before I began with anything else, I figured that I wanted to secure a wedding planner. Someone to assist not only the day-of, but also guide me through the planning stages.

I had two phone interviews with two women who had been in the business for a long, long time which is great. I wanted someone with years of experience under their belt. They were both wonderful, but one wasn’t available on our wedding date to assist with day-of coordination, and the other was highly recommended by Tubac. It was a no brainer. We hired Jeri, our wedding planner and moved on.

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Real Jewish Brides: Choosing a Kosher Wedding Venue (or not?)… and a brutally honest ‘congratulations’

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It’s My Wedding, And I’ll Cry If I Want To…

About a week after returning from Spain, I had overcome the jet lag, gotten used to calling Harley my fiancà©, and told our engagement story about 163548 times. It was such an exciting time, and we were grateful for the support we received, but I have to admit that I considered changing the voice mail greeting on my phone to “how we got engaged” more than once that week! It wasn’t until a meeting at work the following week, when I saw a friend from another department, that I got the most authentic response from a recent bride. The conversation went a little like this…

Christa: “Is that new?!” (pointing at my ring)
Me: “It is!!!”
Christa: “Oh my gosh, congratulations! When’s the big day?!”
Me: “We’re not sure yet. My sister is getting married in May, so we’re trying not to do too much planning before then…we’ll probably just lock down the venue.”
Christa: “Just remember, all the tears you cry while planning your wedding will all be worth it the day after.”
Me:  yikes-emoji

Although I was caught off guard because I was in engagement bliss and hadn’t started the planning process yet, I completely understand now that we’re five months in. Luckily the only tears so far were associated with the stress of deciding on the where and when of our wedding, and we can now laugh about it and share the details of our dream venue!

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Dawn + Harley’s engagement story — you can read all about it here

Let The Planning Begin!

As I mentioned in the conversation with my colleague, Harley and I got engaged about two and a half months before my sister and new brother-in-law’s wedding. Since I was still in full “Maid of Honor Mode” and wanted to let them have their time to shine, we decided to only focus on the main attraction until after their wedding…the venue.

Of course, being a normal bride (or at least one who was paranoid about having her favorite vendors book up), there may have been a few exceptions…like when my wedding dress basically fell into my lap months before I even planned on shopping for one. I will happily blog about that experience in a future post!

Operation: Find A Kosher Hotel Venue

Writing this blog on the heels of a camping trip for work in the Florida Keys IN THE SUMMER, I can honestly say I’d be perfectly happy with any venue that has air conditioning. Fortunately, I was not deprived of cold air or water when searching for venues, so my standards were a bit higher. Harley and I agreed from the start that we wanted both the ceremony and reception to take place in a hotel for a number of reasons:

  1. About three quarters of our guest list is made up of out-of-towners, ranging from various parts of Florida to different countries, so we would definitely have to coordinate transportation if we didn’t go with a hotel.
  2. I love the idea of waking up at the venue the morning of the wedding, as well as ending the night there.
  3. Our guests who take advantage of the open bar can safely stumble up to their rooms at the end of the night; and
  4. There will be 15 girls getting ready for the wedding together, so a nice, comfy Bridal Suite is a must!

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Real Jewish Brides: Less then 3 months to go… and I’m still obsessed with lists

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Lists. Emails.  Research. Repeat.  This is my current mantra as I pass the 3 month mark.  The first To-Do List  I wrote was  appropriately  titled “A Big List”.  In it contained tasks, comments and  follow-up actions  of  what I thought, was everything I needed  to  think about  and arrange  in the lead up to the wedding.

Since then,  that list has expanded, contracted and developed appendices.  Why  oh  why did Netflix have to screen Gilmore Girls now? Ddon’t they know how long it takes to proofread addresses and invitation artwork? Why do people tell you once the “big things” are done, the rest falls into place? The  big things are the easy part. It’s the finer details  that  test your decision-making capabilities, ignite  a  creative spark you never knew you had and  challenge  your emotional resistance.

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This month, I’ve ticked off a little bit of everything- invitations, menus, lighting, flowers, religious traditions  and fashion  and it’s been great fun!!  I’ve certainly received an education when it comes to stationery.  I used Etsy, and  Style Me Pretty to kick-start my imagination and quite quickly came up with a modern and elegant design for the main invitation.

Linda Abrahams, the stationery supplier I used, was really enthusiastic and focused on delivering this design and so  I set my objective: let’s get this done  and dusted!  As  numerous  versions of the  design  were emailed back and forth with  comments and  amendments, it became very clear that the only way to reach the final draft stage was to get  specific  with the details.

I had no idea about card weights, types of personalisation and envelopes…surely your guests don’t judge your invitation on the quality of the envelope it comes in? It  goes straight in the bin! But, I confess…I spent at least four hours, avoiding the treadmill, trying to make this decision.  I was guided with beautiful samples of card weights and tutored in the topic of table plan versus escort cards. And so the final draft was approved and I could tick it off the list!  My lesson outcome: Study the options and start stationery early.

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