This is a guest post by Lucy Jenkins (pictured above),
a newlywed television publicist living in London, whose wedding I featured on the blog last month.
Over the last few years there has been a huge renaissance in the rise of feminism, with women pushing for the right to equal pay, equal rights and against every day sexism. In the wedding industry, an industry which revolves predominantly around women, it seems bizarre that there are so many antiquated rules that determine how we create our wedding days.
Over the past year I was asked on a nearly daily basis how ‘my’ wedding plans were going, and very rarely did anyone assume that my husband was involved in the intricacies of the planning process. There were constant references to ‘Lucy’s wedding’ and a general assumption that the big day was higher up on my agenda than his. It is an extraordinary set of circumstances and outdated behaviour that a wedding day seems to belong to the bride, and yet her voice is the only one that we do not hear.
After many years working in publishing and now in television I spend my days talking non-stop, and you’d think that when I leave the office that my ability to talk and talk and talk would diminish, but it never seems to. When Matt and I first met, on a flashing dance floor of a club, he offered to buy me a drink and we spent the next three hours sitting in the corner talking about anything and everything under the sun.
Our first few dates lasted until 2 or 3am, moving from restaurants to bars, watching last orders being called around us while we were lost to the world deep in conversation. We are both chatterboxes, we love regaling our friends with stories, working any problems out by talking them through, having heated debates and are most definitely not known for our shyness. And yet when it came to planning our big day he seemed a little taken aback that I wanted to stand up on stage and say a few words.
Image: Jez Dickson
I’ve been to countless weddings where father-of-the-bride tells the guests how beautiful their daughter is, but what about how clever, interesting, funny, kind, resourceful, hardworking she is? Of course, brides are beautiful on their wedding day, there is a certain glow that comes with the big event and yes this is important, but it isn’t the be all and end all. The focus falls on a serene, beautiful bride, who despite pulling together the entire day is supposed to just sit back and let her wedding happen around her.
I’ve been to a few weddings where the bride has been handed the microphone at the end of the night, and had a chance to say her thank yous to a room full of inebriated guests, who most likely won’t all remember it the next day. But in my opinion that falls a little short of the mark, when you’ve sat and heard all about the couple’s characters, lives, histories and you haven’t heard a woman speak all day then surely half of the story is missing? And so I decided that I would speak at our wedding.
In the run up to the wedding our Best Man was teased mercilessly about his speech and how nervous he would be in front of 200 guests, the sole question Matt was asked about our wedding was how his speech was coming along, but as the bride I didn’t have a single question about whether or not I would say a few words. This was perfect, I had the chance to sit and reflect on what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it, how long I wanted to speak for and all without an ounce of pressure from the outside world. Without a rule book or guidelines for what a bride’s speech ‘should’ entail I had the freedom to find my voice and write a short speech that came straight from the heart without any expectations.
Now, for someone who loves talking, I don’t actually enjoy speaking in public. Whenever I have presentations at work I go red in the face, my body temperature soars and my palms get clammy. So despite wanting to have my say it didn’t mean that I wasn’t nervous about doing so, and so I came up with a plan. The wedding planner and I knew when I would speak, but it wasn’t written in any orders of service, and I knew that at any point I could change my mind if I felt too nervous. And so the big day got underway, we had our civil ceremony, our Jewish blessing, the reception and the photographs, the Israeli dancing, my father’s speech, we’d worked the room saying hello to guests and my speech had well and truly gone to the back of my mind. The wedding planner came up to me and asked if I wanted to speak, and I genuinely couldn’t think of a good enough reason not to, so I said yes. So I went to pick up my bag to have a read through my notes, realised that of course as I bride I didn’t have one, and I’d left my speech at home…
Karen Cinnamon, founder of STG, making a speech at her wedding (Image: Earthy Photography)
And so I stood up in front of a room of 220 people, without a single note, and spoke from the heart. Instead of panicking I realised that this really was my opportunity to tell our friends and family how thankful I was for them being there, how blown away we were by their generosity, how I could thank Matt’s parents and brother for welcoming me into their family, and my parents for giving me everything I could ever ask for in life. But more importantly I could stand up in front of our nearest and dearest and try to put into words how happy I was to be marrying the man that I am so head over heels in love with. I found something very special when I met Matt, a man who loves to talk just as much as I do. Over the years we’ve been asked countless times what happens when we go home? Who speaks? How do we get a word in edgeways? And, as I told everyone that day, he is the only person that I can sit in silence with… unless, of course, I’m in a white dress and it’s our wedding day!
There has recently been a change in the tide and it seems that more and more brides are speaking on their big day, perhaps it is because women are getting married a little later at an average age of 33.8 and are now more confident and used to speaking in public that it doesn’t seem quite so daunting. I know that I’m not alone in speaking on my big day, and that the lovely Karen from Smashing The Glass spoke at her wedding. So fingers crossed that the days of the mute bride are well and truly behind us. Deciding to speak on my wedding day was one of the best things I did, and I would heartily encourage other brides to not be shy and speak out! Did you speak at your wedding, or did it not cross your mind as it isn’t the norm? Or did you get cold feet on the day and not go ahead with it in the end? I’d love to hear your stories about when/where/how you spoke, and whether you felt like it made a difference to your wedding day.
Lucy Jenkins is a television publicist living in London. After months of planning and throwing out the rule book she had a ‘Jew-ish’ wedding in October this year.
I made a speech at my wedding – in fact all the speeches were female. My husband is quite reserved, whereas I was used to giving presentations, and so it made sense for me to speak and say our Thank Yous. Similarly so was his best man, so the task fell to my best friend. I also don’t have a relationship with my Father, so my Mum gave a really touching speech.
I’m all for brides, and in fact whoever wants to speak, giving a speech at a wedding.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment Ellie. I know so many wonderful, confident women but I have rarely heard them give speeches when it comes to their wedding days. You’re right it should just come down to whoever wants to make a speech should make a speech but I just don’t think it’s even on the agenda of many brides. I hope this post highlights how the tide is turning and will inspire women to do as they feel on their wedding day.
Lots of smashing love!
Karen
Great post! I am fully behind the ‘no more mute brides’ movement, as well as the ‘no more mute grooms during the planning’ movement 🙂
I must admit, during our wedding dinner, while I was sat there on the top table looking from one man to another as they gave their funny, heartfelt speeches, it did feel a little odd to have them speaking about me and ‘for’ me, It was only then I realised that I wanted to have my say too!
So I gave an impromptu speech. I had no notes just this uncontrollable urge to say ‘thank you’ to everyone who came and pronounce my love for the man standing beside me. Luckily this meant that I didn’t have a chance to feel nervous, I just grabbed the mic off my husband after he finished his speech and waffled away. I got a little teary and completely muddled up my words but it didn’t matter as I was speaking from the heart and surrounded by all my favourite people in the world. It was a great feeling!
Also, I want more mums to do speeches at weddings! I actually asked my mum to say a few words (as it was just me and her for a lot of my life ) but she was too nervous. Public speaking is certainly not for everyone!
Elizabeth this is fabulous to hear! And just like you. I didn’t feel nervous to speak at all! I felt so high from the atmosphere and love in the room, and as you say, that feeling that everyone is on your side. It’s unbeatable! Mums to do more speeches at weddings is a wonderful idea too. Yes yes yes! I really think that there is a change in the tide now and we are going to see more and more of this….
Do you have a link to your wedding on Bridal Musings? I’d love to see!
Many of my brides have given speeches at their weddings along with their husbands. It’s lovely and they shouldn’t feel constrained by any old fashioned traditions!
100% agree… and I’m delighted to hear that statistic. The tide really does seem to be turning!
Brilliant post! I have found probably around a third of my brides this year have given a speech, it’s been so lovely and refreshing. I’m also all for the no more mute grooms during the planning process like Elizabeth says, which I am beginning to see more and more of too.
I’ll definitely be saying a few words at my wedding, perhaps not a rehearsed speech but just a little something as I know I’ll want to speak up! 😉
I’m sure you will – and you know what? It’s the best feeling in the world! To feel all that love and support around you as you’re speaking is truly stirring. I only gave a short speech but it was just perfect for me. I can’t wait to hear more about your wedding! And who is photographing it?! xxx
I made a speech! I spoke just before we cut the cake. It actually has always stood out as so odd to me that brides usually don’t say a word. It’s your big day! We all came here to see you! And you can’t put together two words??
My speech was really short…just thanked my bridesmaids and MOH, and the Best Man and parents and then a few sweet words to my new husband. Then I thanked my friend for baking our beautiful cake and that was that. I wrote it that morning on my phone while getting my hair done!
I love this Jill! And I feel EXACTLY like you. It always feels strange when I attend a wedding and the bride doesn’t publicly speak at any point. I know it’s a really personal choice but I would sincerely love to see more brides speaking at their weddings.
Definitely a growing movement, I would say that over half of my brides gave a speech last year. I love it x
I’m so thrilled to hear that – thank you for taking the time to comment Yolande!
I made the speech at our wedding instead of my husband. He can’t stand public speaking and I wasn’t prepared to force him to do something he didn’t want to do so I thanked everybody he is traditionally meant to.
I think it’s wonderful if a bride wants to give a speech. Why shouldn’t she? I love traditions but we can always start new ones too 🙂