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Working towards a wedding of any kind has its stressors, but when planning a Jewish wedding it is common for one or both sets of parents to be heavily involved – a practice I have affectionately called ‘planning by committee’. While this has a lot of positives, from time to time we do come across difficult situations – family politics and differing viewpoints can cause ‘family drama’ during wedding planning. Part of my job as a wedding planner is to help my couples navigate these scenarios, and this blog is to give you some (hopefully!) sage advice based on my experience.

Daniella and Adam‘s Jewish wedding at the Wallace Collection in London, planned by Michelle! Photo by Paul Santos

Below I outline 5 common scenarios and how I advise you best deal with them, but first I want to give you some general advice. Within the wedding industry there is a lot of talk about ‘doing your wedding, your way’, often with the implication that this should be absolute and at all costs. However, I recommend that you remain pragmatic and understand the bigger picture. Sometimes this means compromising on an issue where parents may be advocating strongly for something that differs to your vision, which may give you leverage to get your way on other issues.

Negotiation is key, particularly in situations where parents are paying all or the lion’s share of the bill. If you are paying for your wedding yourselves, you generally have more autonomy and say over the details – with all due respect to your parents, of course.

Paige and Richard‘s Jewish wedding at the Great Synagogue of Florence, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni

Guest Lists

The seemingly simple question of who to invite can be a source of family drama during wedding planning. Something I see often is that couples want a more intimate wedding with a guest list of people they know and who have meaning to them, and their parents would like to invite an extensive list of extended family, their own friends, acquaintances and business associates. In reality, the first thing to remember is that your venue will likely dictate the capacity for your wedding anyway – helpful to keep in mind when faced with this predicament!

At weddings for which parents are paying and use this as a reason to insist on inviting their own guests, we urge couples to have a gentle but honest conversation with them. You can say something along the lines of: ‘We really only want people at our wedding who we know, and who mean something to us. Can we respectfully request of you that we leave anyone we don’t know or doesn’t play a part in our lives off the list?’.

It can also help to suggest organising a separate event in the weeks leading up to the wedding, to which your parents can invite and entertain anyone they like. This might help with their feelings of obligation and inclusion, and keep all parties happy!

Daniella and Adam‘s Jewish wedding at the Wallace Collection in London, planned by Michelle! Photo by Paul Santos

Kosher Catering

I talk a lot with my couples about the question of whether or not their wedding catering should (or has to be) kosher. We start with a couple of thinking points: Do you personally want kosher food, and how important is it to you? Will any of your guests be offended if the catering is not kosher? Finally, will your rabbi insist on it being kosher?

If you would prefer not to have kosher catering but your parents are insisting on it, this can be a source of family drama. I advise you to carefully consider how important an issue this might be to anyone you are very close to, and whether you can accommodate anyone who may be offended by providing separate, sealed kosher meals for them. Explain rationally to your parents why you don’t want it, and consider making a compromise such as a ‘kosher friendly’ or ‘non offensive menu’ – fish and vegetarian, no ham or shellfish and so on.

I go into a great deal more detail about this issue in a blog focused on destination wedding kosher catering.

Stephanie and Dan‘s Jewish wedding in Tuscany, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni

Budget 

One thing that has always and will always be a potential bone of contention during wedding planning is budget. My headline piece of advice here is to be prepared to have open, clear and up-front conversations so there is no confusion.

There is often much negotiation about who is contributing what, and apprehension about approaching parents to find out. Often when I first speak with my couples they don’t have a clear idea of their budget because they haven’t yet had The Chat with both sides of the family. You really just have to bite the bullet and have an open conversation about your vision, and who is paying what.

Natasha and Marc‘s Tuscan Jewish wedding, planned by Michelle! Photo by James Mason 

You also need to consider whether your vision matches your budget. I help my couples with this by giving examples of what we can achieve at different price points, to manage expectations and provide a realistic starting point.

I have also come across weddings in the past where one set of parents would like to pay for certain things, for example the flowers, and say that they will therefore organise these separately. While this sounds like a lovely idea that saves you some planning energy, I strongly advise not letting this happen. It only results in an unclear plan for your wedding, an element of the day your wedding planner has no oversight on, and a disparate finished product. Everything should be planned cohesively, and we find other ways of allowing parents to pay for different elements – a disparate approach doesn’t work in 2024!

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One of the most challenging aspects of planning a wedding is budgeting. Figuring out how much you have to spend, breaking it down by category, and then continually monitoring your progress as you book each supplier… it’s a lot to think about!

But all that hard work can only go so far if you forget to include certain key items in your budget from the beginning. It’s like anything in life – you have to start with good foundations, otherwise it can all come tumbling down.

So, here are some examples for you of items that I commonly see omitted from an original budget document.

Jasmin and Brett‘s Osea Island UK Jewish wedding, planned by Michelle! Photo by Claudine Hartzel

Ceremony Costs

Couples – when costing out their wedding – often look at the wedding reception costs only and forget about the main event!!  After all, your guests are joining you to witness your marriage.  Everything that follows is simply a celebration of this, and your marriage ceremony does come with its own costs.  These can include:

• Synagogue membership fees (often a stipulation if the rabbi at your family Synagogue is marrying you)
• Fees charged by the rabbi
• Chazan, musicians and/orchoir
• Sound system for the ceremony – not always available at the synagogue so if you are having musicians at your ceremony you might need to hire in a PA system.
• Chuppah hire as well as the chuppah flowers
• Any other ceremony decoration
• Kippot and order or service booklets (if applicable or required)
• Transport from the ceremony to the wedding reception (if you decide to provide this for your guests)
• Chair hire and set up (eg for an outdoor ceremony at your wedding venue)
• The cost of your civil wedding, which you will require in addition to your Jewish wedding 

Paige and Richard‘s Jewish wedding at the Great Synagogue of Florence, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni

Catering

Your caterer might have sent you an initial set of sample menus with per person pricing, but have they included:

• Furniture hire if not available at your venue (ie tables and chairs) and do they charge extra to set these up for you
• Linen upgrades (perhaps their per person cost includes for basic white linen and you would like to introduce more of a luxury feel or colour)
• Tableware and glassware upgrades
• Kitchen set up costs (if you are using a dry hire venue with no catering kitchen)
• Transport costs for their team (if you are using a venue which is not local to their base)
• “Crew meals” -you are not expected to pay to feed the caterers staff,  but you will need to pay to feed all of your other suppliers including your band, your photographers and videographers, your wedding planners etc.  Usually caterers will charge a reduced fee for a simpler meal, although you should expect to provide a hot meal as it is always a long day for the supplier team and a decent meal is considered essential.

Michelle helped Emma and Pete plan a Mary Poppins-themed wedding – talk about a Jewish wedding that’s totally them! Photo by Claudine Hartzel

Venue

Do make sure you check your venue hire contract carefully.  In particular you need to consider:

• What time are your suppliers allowed access,and if earlier access will be required is this possible and will they charge extra for it
• Likewise the breakdown and de-rig at the end;how long do they allow for this,  is it a sufficient amount of time and if not, will there be an extra fee for a later finish
• What time must your wedding end; can you extend for a fee?And if so, how much?
• Which spaces are included?Does this include for all of your requirements including a green room for the band and other suppliers (ie photographers and videographers), a room for your Tisch, a room for your Bedeken?  Is there any extra charge for additional rooms?

Stephanie and Dan‘s Jewish wedding in Tuscany, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni

Flowers

A florist might provide you with a ball-park cost for decorating your Chuppah and for your table centrepieces, but does the fee include:

• Delivery and set up
• Returning at the end to collect the vases, candelabras, tea light holders etc and break down the chuppah
• Breakages of vases, tea light holders etc

Claudia and James‘s Jewish wedding in Mykonos, planned by Michelle! Photo by Anna Roussos

Entertainment and Production

You have decided on a band and agreed a fee with them.  But I am afraid that is not all.  Their fee may or may not include their sound system, but it definitely won’t include:

• Stage
• Dance floor
• Lighting

If you book a large showband they will have certain requirements regarding their stage and lighting so do make sure you talk to them about these things sooner rather than later and build them into your budget.

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