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What you need to know about getting married within the United Synagogue

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It’s all well and good to put all of your time and attention into flowers and party favours but the most important part of your wedding is your ceremony. The ceremony has had VIP status for both Elliot and I since we started planning because it’s a massive moment in our lives, and we want to take as much from it as we can.

We have organised our music choices, selected our rings and met with my Rabbi from Dublin, Rabbi Lent who I’ve known for many years, to discuss the ceremony. He has been very accommodating to our questions and requests about the ceremony and followed up with us on a wedding What’s App thread! All of this sounds lovely but there were some important things to organise, which, if you choose to get married within the United Synagogue*, you’ll also need to know…

I didn’t know much about Jewish marriage laws until I started “marriage lessons”, which I was encouraged to take from my Rabbi. These sessions are organised by the United Synagogue  and their co-ordinator connects you with one of their tutors who relates to your level of observation, to explain the marriage laws to you. The boys need to do them too, and you don’t have to go to classes together.

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My married friends have all been to these classes and while you might say that “it’s not for you”, I found the information given to me about the laws of Niddah (purity) and its purpose (to help a couple to focus on their marriage) to be enlightening and stringent but not as awkward as I had anticipated.

Maybe it was my lovely tutor, a lady a few years older than I, who with seven children had time to organise baking parties and sit with me for an hour a week (I had six lessons, but you can have less if you want), without a wrinkle in sight! For some, this may seem like a waste of time as it’s something you’ll never abide by, but the customs and symbolic references will excite every bride-to-be (for example, white is worn because you are like an angel on your wedding day and given a sin-free state…result!)

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Basic Invite – Pushing the Envelope on Wedding Stationery

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My former life as a graphic designer – pre STG – was awash with Pantone references, fonts, typefaces and paper stock. A love you can’t take out of the girl it seems. So when it comes to wedding invitations, I’m the first in line to coo over a sassy design, a bold choice of colour, thoughtful monogramming, the texture of the invite and the weight of an envelope.     And believe me attention, individuality and quality never go unnoticed.

It’s important to set the tone for your big day and nothing builds anticipation better than the invitation.   It’s the movie trailer, the pre-promote and the amuse bouche to tantalise your guests.

Just as e-commerce for luxury fashion goods has developed over the last decade – think Net a Porter – so too have online destinations for luxury, customised, wedding stationery.

And Basic Invite is one of the best I’ve seen.

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Every paper product you could possibly need

It’s an elegant, online hub for all things printed and wedding –  save the date, invitations, RSVP cards, menus, programs, and thank you cards. And I love that it covers the whole gamut because it’s so important to pull all the threads of your wedding together and coordinate your paper products into one look – it is your brand after all.   But it’s also an incredibly efficient way of organising such an important aspect of the big day, without compromising on style.   Quite honestly, it sometimes feels as though you could make a full time job out of wedding preparation, that is on top of your actual job, so at STG we welcome style-conscious efficiency whole—heartedly.

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What is a Jew-ish wedding? It’s whatever you want it to be…

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In my opinion the important part of any wedding is the actual ceremony itself. Many people can get lost in the details of the party that comes after and the ceremony just happens through the guidance of a rabbi, priest or registrar. However when you are getting married to someone of a different faith (or no faith at all) then there are some significant choices to be made.

This was something John and I discussed before we were even engaged and knew there was one non-negotiable element to our wedding day. We wanted a chuppah. I had discussed the Jewish wedding ceremony with John who is atheist (unless football is considered a religion??) and we both loved the chuppah’s representation of our first home together, supported by our family and friends. It is universal and whilst it comes from a practice of my Jewish heritage, it also will represent the joining of our two families.

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Missy  & Yoni’s  Jew-ish  wedding ceremony. Click here to read their wedding story

Jew-ish wedding ceremony  options

One thing we weren’t certain of was what the ceremony itself would comprise of. I knew that there wouldn’t be an affiliated rabbi (someone connected to a synagogue organisation) in the UK who would be able to conduct a ceremony or a blessing under a chuppah. Initially I was very frustrated by this. I felt that it was ridiculous that a non-Jewish couple could choose to get married under a canopy after seeing it at a Jewish wedding and liking the symbolism, but I was not able to have a legal wedding or blessing conducted by a rabbi under the same symbolic chuppah.

We could easily have had a civil wedding and then a Jewish blessing straight away, but I didn’t want a long meaningless ceremony followed by a Jewish blessing AND not under a chuppah. Our guests would get bored and so would I for that matter! Many options were bandied about. A civil ceremony earlier on in the day with close family and a blessing that we would invite our guests to? Just a civil ceremony with some sort of Jewish readings? But we didn’t like any of these ideas, they didn’t mean anything to us and I felt like me, my bridesmaids and my mum might need that extra time earlier in the day to put on our war paint! We wanted our wedding to mean something special to us and represent who we are. We said no to the two ceremonies in one day and no to the rabbis.

We decided that we were going to get married legally a few days before our wedding day in a registry office near where we live, just with our close family, and then have a ceremony that truly represents us. This meant that we would be able to get married under a chuppah, with whatever elements we choose and get our family and friends fully involved.

We decided that we wanted to have sheva brachot (seven blessings) written and given to us during the ceremony by seven members of our family and friends, so they will be truly personal to us, a chuppah that we will make ourselves that will showcase the family and friends that have helped to shape us individually until now and John will smash that glass at the end of the ceremony.

Other than that we were excited about all the extra details we would be able to add to our ceremony. But who could we get to ‘officiate’ this ceremony? So along came my charismatic brother Josh who we felt would be a perfect ‘officiant’ for a wedding with his witty banter and strong understanding of Jewish practice and ease of speech that would ensure that all our guests would understand what was going on. Josh has been instrumental in creating this ceremony, yet he still wants to keep a few secrets from John and I. Initially this scared the controlling me, but once I gave him a list of the basic bits we want included and the people we wanted involved, I realised my brother wouldn’t mess up such an important part of the day and let him carry on with his scheming.

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How to write a wedding speech… by Mr STG

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This is a guest post by Mr STG (Karen’s husband)

“Your wedding speech — it’s important”

I say your speech but I do not mean to imply that it’s only about the  groom’s speech. At our wedding Mrs STG made a great speech. Why was it great? Because it was well thought out, it was original and it was straight from the heart….that’s Mrs STG all the way.

Further to my first post,  I have thought about what additional  contribution I could make to the ever flourishing Smashing The Glass and I thought back to our wedding to think about what I might be able to offer and I kept on coming back to my speech.

My speech was not something I was really looking forward to with relish. Like many of us I am not naturally given to making speeches even though through work I have had training and the need to do so, but making a speech at my own wedding felt very different. Why was I especially apprehensive? On reflection I think it was because this was a one-off opportunity to speak to the group of people who meant the most in the world to me.

The reason for this offering is to suggest that you take great care in making a speech and that you make it the very best you possibly can because it really is important.

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Karen, founder of STG, making a speech at her wedding to Mr STG

It’s Important

This is the first point I wish to share. It really is the opportunity to express; your gratitude, your love, your feelings and perhaps above all else yourself.

When I say “the” opportunity I mean that there are very few other life events when your world comes together to celebrate and be joyous and that is why I strongly suggest that you seize the opportunity.

Don’t waste the opportunity

I distinctly remember attending a wedding when after a long day of ceremony and reception in the late summer sun….(I suspect you already know where I am going with this one) a groom got up after an equally long dinner and rambled and mumbled some incoherent thanks, he had to be prompted a few times to mention certain bits and pieces and I remember thinking at the time what a waste of such an opportunity.

PPPPP  (aka Preparation Prevents P*** Poor Performance)

Your wedding day is a maelstrom second to none. There is an enormous amount going on and unless you are one of those very fortunate people who can get to their feet without preparation and deliver a coherent, witty, entertaining speech whilst remembering everything that you wish to say then you will need to prepare.

I knew I wanted to speak to a few people directly in my speech whether to express love and / or to thank amongst other things. The task was how to collate and deliver those themes in a way that involved everyone and without being boring. I suspect that this is the basis of everyone’s desire who gets up to say something on their wedding day.

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Write Down Your Speech

My advice is that you need to write out your speech and I mean every word. The exercise gives you the thinking time to organise what you want to say, to give your speech structure, shape and form.

This bit does come from some of my training. Your “audience” will be the most receptive and supportive of audiences you are ever likely to speak to but they still need to know what they are going to get.

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Is it ok to use vendors with no Jewish wedding experience for a Jewish wedding?

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When the first quote came in for a photographer and it was three times more than what we had budgeted for, I started to panic. Had our dreams of a relaxed, fun Jewish wedding on a budget been just that…a dream? Was it possible to have what we wanted within the constraints of our budget? I started to doubt the whole process and realised that we were now going to have to go down another route in our quest to find the vendors that would be able to create the wedding we wanted.

Rather than using vendors I had heard of from other Jewish weddings I took a different approach to my search. Using a range of wedding blogs and ‘real wedding’ write ups I collated a list of vendors that people had used and loved. Vendors  who hadn’t worked on  a Jewish wedding but had had the style of wedding we were hoping to have.

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Choosing a photographer without Jewish wedding experience

Photographs to me tell a story and should capture emotion and people in the moment. For my wedding photographs it was so important that this was the case. I was recommended Razia Jukes by my Mother in Law-to-be who had been at a wedding she was photographing. She said that she was really relaxed and the photos she had been beautiful — this all sounded perfect to me! I soon discovered that Razia features on loads of the blogs I read and I was able to see a big range of her photographs — which were exactly what I was looking for. They told a story with such emotion and love I had pretty much made up my mind before even meeting her!

Razia has never photographed  a Jewish wedding and at first this did worry me. At a Jewish wedding there are those key moments you know you want included: The badeken, the breaking of the glass, up on chairs for the Hora; and for most people knowing that the photographer knows when these moments will happen is a reassurance people want on their wedding day.  But hey, I love a challenge and when we went to meet Razia I realised that it wouldn’t be a problem. We spent a lot of the meeting talking in detail about the ceremony sharing and how the day would run. Her enthusiasm about the different components and their meaning was really reassuring and also made me even more excited about our wedding!

For Razia it isn’t ‘just another Jewish wedding’ and that makes it more special for me. I can’t wait for her to be a part of our day and to see the pictures she takes for us!

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Choosing  a  wedding venue that has never  hosted a Jewish wedding

This kind of set the ball rolling for Gid and I in our vendor search. After that initial panic we soon realised that with a bit more research, and a willingness to take risks, we could find the vendors we wanted that fitted with our theme, that were in budget and were a high quality.

I feel like now is a good time to mention that our venue, Lillibrooke Manor, has  also never hosted  a Jewish wedding and again they seem genuinely thrilled to be arranging  what they see as a new venture for them into the world of Jewish weddings. Initially they had some ideas of how we could set up our ceremony to fit everyone into the space. The ideas were focused on getting in the most amount of people rather than creating the atmosphere we were looking for. When I sat down and went through the ceremony with them they came up with a completely unique idea that we hadn’t thought of before.

They had taken from my description the importance of everyone being involved in the ceremony and that it was about being able to see what was going on just as much as being able to hear what was going on. I am so excited to bring together our vison for the wedding in the most beautiful venue. I know it is going to be incredibly magical and the venue have been really flexible and open to all of our ideas in order to bring together our Jewish wedding with the quirky, rustic barn feel that we want to achieve.

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