Claudia and James‘s Jewish wedding in Mykonos, planned by Michelle! Photo by Anna Roussos
This is a guest post by Michelle Jacobs. The founder of Elegante by Michelle J, Michelle is a wedding planner with a niche specialisation in luxury destination weddings in Europe for UK and US based Jewish couples. Her mission is to create magical and memorable weddings for her couples, their families and their guests. Michelle has had the privilege of working at numerous European venues and has built fantastic relationships and effective collaborations with a whole host of talented and professional wedding vendors. She is passionate about sharing all of her knowledge and experience to create your dream wedding.
Working towards a wedding of any kind has its stressors, but when planning a Jewish wedding it is common for one or both sets of parents to be heavily involved – a practice I have affectionately called ‘planning by committee’. While this has a lot of positives, from time to time we do come across difficult situations – family politics and differing viewpoints can cause ‘family drama’ during wedding planning. Part of my job as a wedding planner is to help my couples navigate these scenarios, and this blog is to give you some (hopefully!) sage advice based on my experience.
Daniella and Adam‘s Jewish wedding at the Wallace Collection in London, planned by Michelle! Photo by Paul Santos
Below I outline 5 common scenarios and how I advise you best deal with them, but first I want to give you some general advice. Within the wedding industry there is a lot of talk about ‘doing your wedding, your way’, often with the implication that this should be absolute and at all costs. However, I recommend that you remain pragmatic and understand the bigger picture. Sometimes this means compromising on an issue where parents may be advocating strongly for something that differs to your vision, which may give you leverage to get your way on other issues.
Negotiation is key, particularly in situations where parents are paying all or the lion’s share of the bill. If you are paying for your wedding yourselves, you generally have more autonomy and say over the details – with all due respect to your parents, of course.
Paige and Richard‘s Jewish wedding at the Great Synagogue of Florence, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni
Guest Lists
The seemingly simple question of who to invite can be a source of family drama during wedding planning. Something I see often is that couples want a more intimate wedding with a guest list of people they know and who have meaning to them, and their parents would like to invite an extensive list of extended family, their own friends, acquaintances and business associates. In reality, the first thing to remember is that your venue will likely dictate the capacity for your wedding anyway – helpful to keep in mind when faced with this predicament!
At weddings for which parents are paying and use this as a reason to insist on inviting their own guests, we urge couples to have a gentle but honest conversation with them. You can say something along the lines of: ‘We really only want people at our wedding who we know, and who mean something to us. Can we respectfully request of you that we leave anyone we don’t know or doesn’t play a part in our lives off the list?’.
It can also help to suggest organising a separate event in the weeks leading up to the wedding, to which your parents can invite and entertain anyone they like. This might help with their feelings of obligation and inclusion, and keep all parties happy!
Daniella and Adam‘s Jewish wedding at the Wallace Collection in London, planned by Michelle! Photo by Paul Santos
Kosher Catering
I talk a lot with my couples about the question of whether or not their wedding catering should (or has to be) kosher. We start with a couple of thinking points: Do you personally want kosher food, and how important is it to you? Will any of your guests be offended if the catering is not kosher? Finally, will your rabbi insist on it being kosher?
If you would prefer not to have kosher catering but your parents are insisting on it, this can be a source of family drama. I advise you to carefully consider how important an issue this might be to anyone you are very close to, and whether you can accommodate anyone who may be offended by providing separate, sealed kosher meals for them. Explain rationally to your parents why you don’t want it, and consider making a compromise such as a ‘kosher friendly’ or ‘non offensive menu’ – fish and vegetarian, no ham or shellfish and so on.
I go into a great deal more detail about this issue in a blog focused on destination wedding kosher catering.
Stephanie and Dan‘s Jewish wedding in Tuscany, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni
Budget
One thing that has always and will always be a potential bone of contention during wedding planning is budget. My headline piece of advice here is to be prepared to have open, clear and up-front conversations so there is no confusion.
There is often much negotiation about who is contributing what, and apprehension about approaching parents to find out. Often when I first speak with my couples they don’t have a clear idea of their budget because they haven’t yet had The Chat with both sides of the family. You really just have to bite the bullet and have an open conversation about your vision, and who is paying what.
Natasha and Marc‘s Tuscan Jewish wedding, planned by Michelle! Photo by James Mason
You also need to consider whether your vision matches your budget. I help my couples with this by giving examples of what we can achieve at different price points, to manage expectations and provide a realistic starting point.
I have also come across weddings in the past where one set of parents would like to pay for certain things, for example the flowers, and say that they will therefore organise these separately. While this sounds like a lovely idea that saves you some planning energy, I strongly advise not letting this happen. It only results in an unclear plan for your wedding, an element of the day your wedding planner has no oversight on, and a disparate finished product. Everything should be planned cohesively, and we find other ways of allowing parents to pay for different elements – a disparate approach doesn’t work in 2024!
Chloe and Danny‘s Tuscan Jewish wedding, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni
Seating Plans
Couples consistently underestimate how long a seating plan takes to put together, so my first bit of advice is to start in plenty of time! Also be prepared for some potentially heated family discussions. Sadly, this task is one where we see the most issues, debates and arguments.
Parents will inevitably have strong opinions, for example not wanting their guests to be seated at the back of the room. Unfortunately, until someone designs a room that has no back, someone has to sit there! As a general rule, we plan for close family to sit nearest the top table and your own friends closest to the stage and dancefloor (after all, they’re probably the ones who will be dancing all night and not mind the loud music from the band and DJ).
Chloe and Danny‘s Tuscan Jewish wedding, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni
In years gone by this wasn’t always the case, with couples’ friends usually being seated at the back of the room. Times have changed though, and your friends are important – I always help my couples advocate for having them gathered around to help bring the vibe to the party.
Ultimately, one would like to think that if your guest list is made up of people who really matter to you, everyone will understand that every guest has to sit somewhere – and they’ll probably be on their feet for much of the night anyway!
Bianca and Jordan‘s wedding at The Fairmont Hotel in Windsor, planned by Michelle! Photo by Paul Santos
Timelines
Often, when it comes to discussions about what time your wedding should finish, parents tend to be keen to finish earlier – particularly if we are talking about a London wedding on a Sunday night, for example.
Ultimately the decision is yours, and if you think your friends will want to continue on until the small hours then that’s what you should do. However, generally we do support a slightly earlier finish time in the interest of ending on a high rather than fizzling out. The people to speak to about this are the pros – your band, caterer and wedding planner have experience and will give you their best judgement.
Aviva and Alan‘s wedding at the Great Synagogue of Florence, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni
Final Words
Remember, deciding whether to involve your parents in the planning of your wedding at all is a big step. If you decide you want to do it yourselves without too much of their input, you need to have an open conversation with them about how strongly you feel about the matter – it’s your first big project together as a couple.
Regardless, I recommend involving them in some key elements of the planning so they don’t feel totally excluded and can share in the excitement. Invite them to food tastings and to see the venue, even if you’ve already booked it. Take your mums to flower meetings and dress fittings, and consider having a few meetings where you bring both sets of parents together to update them on where you are in the process.
Some parents have been waiting their whole lives for your wedding day, and keeping this front of mind is one of the best ways to avoid getting caught up in ‘family drama’.
Stephanie and Dan‘s Jewish wedding in Tuscany, planned by Michelle! Photo by David Bastianoni
GET IN TOUCH WITH MICHELLE
michelle@elegantebymichellej.com
+44 (0)203 930 9459
www.elegantebymichellej.com
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