This is a guest post by Danya Shults whose wedding we featured on Smashing The Glass last year
When to say ‘I Do’ to your wedding team
Your partnerships with your wedding officiant and planner aren’t as serious as the one you’ve got with your husband or wife, but they are facilitating one of the most significant days of your life!
Your wedding team’s job is to bring your dreamy vision of a meaningful, personal wedding to life. That’s why it’s so important that you’re all on the same page as you plan your big day together.
If you want kosher wine under the chuppah and shrimp hors d’oeuvres at the reception, they should respect that. If you want to include a Yoruba poem in your ceremony to complement the traditional seven Jewish wedding blessings, they should be able to make that work.
Picking the perfect wedding providers
What you really want to know is that your officiant and planner share your values and that you feel heard and understood by them, especially when it comes to incorporating religious and cultural traditions into your wedding in a way that feels authentic to you.
First things first – before you begin the search for your wedding pros, you and your partner should have your own chat about what you do and don’t want for your Jewish (or Jew-ish) wedding. Otherwise, it’ll be tricky to figure out whether or not any particular wedding service provider is right for you.
Once you’re clear on your own expectations and preferences, you can start interviewing wedding officiants and planners. Remember: the key is to pick providers who really get you, whom you love working with, and who will bring your wedding vision to life.
You can use the questions below to make sure you and your wedding team mesh!
General questions to ask any officiant
- How long has he or she been facilitating weddings? What motivates him or her to do this work?
- Ask the officiant to share photos, videos, and sample readings from previous weddings that he or she has officiated. The only way to truly know an officiant’s style, tone, and personality is to see him or her in action!
- Ask for referrals of previous couples the officiant has worked with. If you can find previous clients of theirs on your own, you might also want to reach out directly, since it’s likely the officiant will only send his or her happiest clients your way.
- Has the officiant ever turned down a couple? If so, why?
- What does a typical ceremony look like for the officiant and how flexible is he or she? Will the officiant create a personalized ceremony?
- Has the officiant performed a wedding like the one you’re planning? How did he or she approach it? How did it go?
- Will the officiant give a speech? If so, can you see it and have input? This doesn’t have to be a surprise if you don’t want it to be!
- How will the officiant get to know you? How many pre-wedding sessions will you have? What will you discuss?
- How do you feel around your officiant? Trust your gut. Do you feel like he or she is genuinely interested in you? You should mutually like, respect, and trust each other.
Specific questions to ask officiants about a Jewish wedding
- Which wedding rituals are required by Jewish law and which traditions are optional?
- How will the officiant help you incorporate traditions from both of your lives, especially if you are a multicultural or interfaith couple?
- Will the officiant perform an interfaith marriage, if that’s what you want? Will he or she co-officiate with an officiant from another religion?
- Will the officiant marry you at a nonreligious site? A site that serves non-kosher food?
- Which Jewish elements does the officiant typically include?
- Will you and your partner have to speak or write in Hebrew?
General questions to ask a Wedding Planner
- How can the planner help with your wedding? What services does he or she offer? For instance, does he or she focus on day-of coordination or provide more full-service styling and design?
- What is the planner’s specialty?
- How many weddings has the planner planned? Has he or she planned a wedding like yours?
- Why does the planner do this work?
- Ask to see photo and video of previous weddings that the planner has planned.
- Ask for referrals of couples the planner has worked with. If you can find any other couples on your own to reach out to, you may get a broader perspective, and, perhaps, some constructive criticism.
- Has the planner ever said no to a couple? If so, why?
- Will the planner play middleman with other providers and your family, if needed? How does the planner navigate difficult or sensitive family members?
- What’s the planner’s secret to staying calm? What’s the most challenging wedding he or she has planned and how did he or she pull it off?
- How will the planner get to know you? How many meetings will you have and what will you discuss?
Specific questions to ask a Wedding Planner about a Jewish wedding
- Has the planner planned a Jewish wedding before? If applicable, has he or she planned a multicultural or interfaith wedding?
- Is the planner familiar with Jewish wedding traditions and requirements?
- If your wedding will be kosher, does the planner understand what that means to you? Definitions of “kosher” can vary, so it’s important that your planner be able to navigate these conversations with your venue and caterer to meet your needs. For instance, does there have be kosher wine under the chuppah? Do the fruit and wine at the bar have to be kosher? Will you or the caterer be providing any strictly kosher meals for individual guests?
- Some other things you may want your planner to be aware of, depending on your level of observance:
- Sturdy chairs with arms for the hora (the Jewish wedding circle dance)
- An easel under the chuppah (wedding canopy) to hold your ketubah (Jewish marriage contract)
- An easily breakable glass wrapped in a napkin or small bag to stomp
- Working with the florist to construct your chuppah
- Providing kosher wine for the ceremony
- Planning the wedding events around Shabbat start and end times and Jewish holidays
At the end of the day, do it your way
Your wedding is about…you! Yes, YOU. Of course, it’s a day that you’ll likely choose to share with family and friends who will help amplify the joy and warmth of the occasion, but it’s your and your partner’s lives that are being changed in the most meaningful of ways after you say, “I do.”
Your wedding planning team and your officiant should be your best advocates, not at odds with you! The questions above will help you make the right choice about whom to partner with (other than your future life partner!) to make your wedding day the one you truly want.
About the author: Danya Shults is the founder of Arq, a media company and community that helps anyone connect with Judaism in a relevant, inclusive, and convenient way. Danya is a connector who aims to build and strengthen communities, create greater access for more people, communicate with transparency, and promote learning through sharing. Her own supper-club inspired, Brooklyn wedding was featured on Smashing The Glass!
