Sarah who will be marrying Rich on 21th June 2020 at Tikitano Beach, Marbella, Spain. Click here to read all Sarah’s planning posts to date.
THREE FACTS: (1) Sarah knew Rich was the one when he brought a gift of dog treats for her toy poodle Nuala along to their fourth date! (2) They are crafting an amazing destination wedding weekend in Marbella with beloved Smashing The Glass Recommended vendor optimum weddings as their planner. (3) Sarah is a member of Smashing The Glass’s Brides Club!
So this is an emotional post, it’s heartfelt and it’s raw and it hasn’t been easy to write. I suppose that my main aim of writing it is in the hope that other brides to be realise that they are not alone in their feelings if they have lost someone special and that there is nothing wrong with having mixed feelings at such a happy time because it is normal. So here goes…
I lost my dad when I was five years old and I also lost my mums sister last year and my nanny, uncle, grandparents and very close family friends over the past 26 years.
For the most part I have always accepted this and been ok with it, even though I have really missed dad and my other loved ones at landmark events on special occasions like graduation, my first job, when I needed a male perspective on various boyfriend dilemmas, when I watched a father of the bride speech at a wedding or a father daughter dance at a wedding. However, I never expected the wave of emotions which hit me when I got engaged.
Getting engaged was one of the best days of my life, I knew that it was the start of a wonderful life with my best friend and the man that I love. However, I had this overwhelming sense of emptiness and loss. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me? How could I be feeling down at such an exciting and happy time, maybe I’m just not normal?
About a month after we got engaged I was going through the order of the wedding, so the speeches and the dances and then it hit me – there would be no father of the bride speech or father/daughter dance and my dad was not going to be there. Obviously, I knew he wouldn’t be there but this subconscious knowledge suddenly became a hard truth.
I wanted to pick up the phone and call my aunt, my nanny, or my mum’s late best friend and I realised I couldn’t because they aren’t here anymore. Suddenly I realised that some of the incredibly special people who I wanted to call and to share this special occasion with were not there. It was at this moment that I broke down and just cried hysterically and uncontrollably for the best part of 45 minutes.
I realised at this point that this is why I had been feeling so emotional and that there isn’t anything wrong with me, I was just grieving. So, I decided that it was essential to respect these feelings but also incorporate my dad and these people in our wedding in some way.
Now, I don’t think a wedding should be mournful so it was a case of finding a way to honour their memory whilst not bringing down the tone of the wedding or detracting from the celebrations.
Including Dad in Our Big Day
Dad has been a part of my journey with Richard for a long time. Six months before we got engaged Rich visited Dad’s grave with mum and I. It was there that he had a long private chat with dad and also told him how much I mean to him, how he would look after me, thanked him for bringing me into the world for him and promised him to always do what is right for me and what he thinks my dad would have wanted.
Ultimately, he wanted dad to know how much he loves me and what I mean to him as he felt that is what dad, and indeed any father would want to know. Richard told me about this conversation and what he said that day at dad’s grave when he proposed to me at my dad’s old racehorse stud. In fact, that is the reason why Rich proposed where he did. He knew how special it would be for him to propose to me at my dad’s favourite place and somewhere where most of my memories of my dad and I together are.
We are including dad in a few ways in the wedding and I am sure that we will think of a few more in the lead up to the big day. Richard will be wearing dad’s tallit under the chuppah which is so special. It means that he will be under there with us, with my mum and with his parents as we get married.
My mum is going to walk me down the aisle as she has brought me up on her own since I was five and honestly, she has done the best job of being the voice of both parents. Dad would be so proud of her! However, I also want dad to walk down with us because I feel like he should be able to, and so I am going to have a little locket with a picture of him in and I am going to tie it to my bouquet of flowers.
Additionally, we are having a welcome party on the Saturday night in Marbella for all of our guests and I have asked my half siblings to do a little speech and also a toast to dad. They knew him incredibly well as they are much older than I am and I thought that they would be the perfect people to toast to him. He would be so delighted that his kids are toasting to his memory!
We are also having a civil ceremony in London the week before we leave for Marbella and we are doing this on what would have been dad’s birthday. We are having the ceremony at Old Marylebone Town hall which is where mum and dad got married 31 years ago! We chose to have our Jewish wedding in Marbella on Sunday June 21st 2020 because it is Father’s Day and so we thought that would be an additional little nod to dad.
Needless to say, I am sure that dad will be mentioned in many of the speeches over the wedding weekend and I have come to realise that whilst he won’t be there physically, he will definitely be there in spirit. I feel so much more comfortable now that we are including him and not shying away from the painful fact that he isn’t here.
An End of the Night Touch to Include Other Departed Loved Ones
Unfortunately, dad isn’t the only one who won’t be at the wedding. Both Richard and I have lost other close relatives and friends. We wanted to find a way to include them in a way which was different, sentimental but not too depressing.
Our wonderful wedding planner Dyana (optimum weddings) came up with the best idea! Tikitano has a brick tower next to it which is lit up in pink and she suggested releasing white LED lit balloons next to it at midnight with little handwritten messages tied to them and addressed to the ones we wish were still able to be with us.
We love this idea as it is different and beautiful and a wonderful way to include our departed loved ones in our special day.
To Conclude
Karen has a whole section inside Smashing The Glass’ Brides Club with ideas to include lost loved ones in your wedding and I am definitely going to look on there for some additional ideas.
I think the main thing I have come to learn over the past five months is that it is absolutely ok to feel sad about missing someone, even at such a happy and exciting time.
There really is no manual as to how to handle these situations but I truly believe that it is better to get your feelings out than to keep them inside.
Regardless of what we do to physically include Dad and our loved ones, I know that my dad will 100% be there with the biggest smile on his face looking down on us with our other departed loved ones, because they wouldn’t have it any other way!
I love you dad x
Click here to read all Sarah’s planning posts to date.
Sarah and Rich’s Wedding Vendors booked so far:
Venue – Tikitano Beach
Photographer – Nani De Perez
Wedding Planner – optimum weddings {offers 10% discount to all members of Smashing The Glass’s Brides Club}
Videographer – Antonio De Perez
Stationery – Simcha Invitations
Chuppah singer – JJ Hodari
Band – One Entertainment
Hair + Makeup – Alex Harrocks and Nicola McGeorge
Welcome Party – at Besaya Beach
Toastmaster – Jamie Paskin
