Say Yes to the Dress is not an accurate portrayal of wedding dress shopping, nor is that episode in Friends where they all go home with a perfectly fitting dress and drink beer together…. that’s what I’ve learnt. Below is a true account of my dress shopping experience — no large black pegs were used in the making of it.
Unsure of where to start, my friend Tanya, who got engaged around a similar time to me, recommended a bridal shop in Essex as a great starter shop. They stock loads of different styles and she said I would be able to really filter out what I liked and didn’t like, so I took her advice and started the hunt there.
On a delightfully dull Saturday morning, my mum, sister and mum-in-law to be set off into the depths of Essex filled with excitement. I had visions of grandiose changing rooms, champagne, plush carpets and bright lights…oh how quickly I learnt that that was not the case. I entered a world of total and utter overwhelmingness. There were so many dresses I literally didn’t know where to start.
The lady who served us was lovely and explained the different styles and I gave her my budget. I decided to try on a range of styles as I literally had no clue. After selecting the dresses we were taken to the ‘dressing room’ which was a tiny, narrow room with a curtain at one end and just enough seats for everyone. It was essentially a broom cupboard. We weren’t offered a drink and I could feel my mouth becoming drier as I became more overwhelmed by it all.
At this point I should mention that I am 5ft3 and a size 12. Wedding dresses, unbeknown to me are made for 6ft tall, size 8 people. This was the start of what was quite frankly an exhausting, and at times depressing wedding dress shopping extravaganza that lasted about a month.
To sum up my first wedding dress shop experience, I look like a bowling pin in large ball gown dresses, mermaid style are near on impossible to walk in, and trying to picture yourself on the happiest day of your life with a woman standing behind you attempting to hold you in, do not scream out the romantic, wonderful experience I had imagined.
The second shop on the list (same day I might add, and I recommend you don’t do that, it was exhausting) was still in Essex and I had decided to go because they stocked a designer I liked. This wedding dress shop, amazingly, was worse than the first. Not only did they not have a toilet (we were instructed that the Pie & Eel shop next door were happy for us to use theirs) but there were no private changing rooms. I had to come out in an ill-fitting, ugly dress in the middle of shop with strangers staring at me! This is literally my idea of hell on earth.
The wedding diet was a non-starter at this point and quite frankly I do not love my body. I have lumps and bumps and my tummy sticks out. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this, least of all squeezed into a size 8 glittered up mermaid dress. I find it quite amazing that brides like me are forced to make decisions about the most important item of clothing they will ever buy when the thing doesn’t fit. How do I know if I will be comfortable in it for 11 hours when at this moment in time it is cutting my arm pit like razor blades and the zip hasn’t gone past by bum!
Aside from the obvious issues with the dresses, having to make decisions with three of the most important women in my life is also really hard. My mother-in-law to be cried every time I put on a dress, my sister loved it as long as it had glitter and sparkles on it, and my mum was not mad keen on any of them. I couldn’t decide and felt totally overwhelmed.
Overall, not a wonderful start to dress shopping — I felt deeply traumatised but also determined to find my dress if it was the last thing I did.
The sad reality was that this was not a one-off ‘bad’ shopping day and from then on I experienced many different dress shop moments. I got my Prosecco-‘tell-me-about-your-wedding’-experience I was looking for, and to be honest it really did make a difference. Had the dress not been, in the ladies words, “a little bit over budget” then I probably would have bought it, mainly because she was so lovely and the changing room was massive! I experienced a studio space in Hackney where I fell in love with a completely alternative wedding dress. And thrown into the mix, the, ‘All of our dresses are size 8’s so we can see if you can fit into them’ experience — by far my least favourite!
Overall I visited eight dress shops and tried on well over 50 dresses in every shape and size. I became the expert on material and style and would walk into wedding dress shops with THE most specific requirements. I no longer cared about my body by the end of it and I was happy to whip off my clothes and bra and stand around in whatever changing room came my way.
To cut a long story short I settled for two dresses and on a second visit accompanied by my usual dress hunters, plus my dad and sister-in-law to be I went to show them the dresses and make a decision. Basically, my dad didn’t really like them and for me that was enough for them not to be the one. I wasn’t getting the wow feeling and I think I knew deep down that they weren’t for me. I needed everyone to go WOW and no one was.
So off we went to what I had now decided was the last wedding dress shop I was ever going to. Brides of Berkhampsted. On arrival I fell in love. The whole shop to ourselves, a cup of tea, plush carpets, a changing area and mirrors fit for a bride who had honestly had enough by this point. I searched the rails and loved so many dresses and was actually excited to try them all on, a feeling I thought had died inside me by this point!
Carol was so knowledgeable and kind (She even let me drink my tea in the dresses) and I felt like she had known me forever and I was at ease in her company. She made me feel comfortable in every dress I tried on (even the ones she pinned to my bra!) Low and behold, who would have thought, I fell in love with the first dress I tried on. My mother-in-law cried (obviously) and so did my mum! She assured me they were tears of joy as opposed to the previous tears of despair she had had in other shops! YAY!
For me this was most definitely the one! It had sparkles for my sister and I had butterflies in my stomach! An hour and a half later I walked out of there the proud owner of a dress, not only completely different in style from every single other dress I had tried on, but a different colour as well! Not only that but I came out having been to the toilet and not thirsty — two massive bonuses in my eyes!
For me, the bridal experience was less than perfect and I think the wedding dress industry has a lot to answer for in terms of their advertising and sizing. I mean, there must be more brides out there than me who have big boobs and a bum who want to see a dress on another bride with that too! I also believe that a pleasant, drinks-filled, happy wedding shop makes all the difference and I can’t wait to return to Brides of Berkhampsted in November to get my dress!
Fran will be marrying Gideon on 20th April 2017 at Lillibrooke Manor, Berkshire.
You can read all Fran’s wedding planning posts so far here.
Karen: Thank you Fran, for your wonderfully frank account of wedding dress shopping. This is something I am hearing over and over again from brides of all shapes and sizes, and I would love brides-to-be, wedding dress boutique owners and designers to comment here or on our Facebook page, and tell me your thoughts, experiences, and suggestions for what we can do to make wedding dress shopping a thoroughly positive experience for every single bride-to-be.
I had the exact same experience and also got my dress from brides of berkhamsted! They were excellent the whole way through, with fittings and alterations, making the experience really enjoyable.
This article was my dressing shop experience to the tee!! I’m also 5,2 and a size 12! My first shop was my dream shop that I use to walk past as a child…..I paid £20 for a Saturday slot (I was told it could go towards a dress if I brought it from them) the dresses were dirty, no toilets or drinks and there were open changing rooms and I had to stand on a podium in the middle of the busy shop pinned in to endless different styles of dress none that fitted!
My best experience was a lovely welcome, big changing area, a offer of a drink, and someone that thought out of the box…..I was determined to have a princess style A line dress, the kind lady suggested I trusted her and gave me a different dress to try I cried, my mum cried it was the best dress ever…..and by this point I had tried on 50+ dresses! But this dress fitted and was a size 12!
Wedding shopping for me was a rollarcoaster and I think knowing your going to be spending a lot of money shops should atleast get your a toilet and some water because wedding shopping is exhausting and your essentially making one of the biggest decisions of your life xx
Hi Karen, I see from previous comments that there is an opinion that a lot has changed over the past five years and as I closed my shop at the end of 2011 I can’t say much on that score. What I do have though is a really varied and long (almost 30 years) bridal design and retail career to draw upon in terms of the questions raised.
In my opinion, the fundamental flaw is in the retail/supplier set up. The pressure placed upon shops to endlessly buy new samples at full wholesale price in order to keep a label kept me ducking and diving in a way that was exhausting and not conducive to profitable trading. In my day, there was always a rumbling of discussion between shops about this, with competing tall tales about garages/lofts/attics stuffed full of unsellable samples from past seasons. All money down the drain.
My partner who is a shoe designer was astonished that suppliers dictate to retailers in our industry, as he was used to suppliers that he designed for, jumping through hoops to get their label into retail outlets! Quite understandably, bridal clients have no idea that this kind of pressure is brought to bear nor that retailers have to spend so much money each season on stock that they will have to liquidate at a knock down price, even below cost. It does however, have a great deal of bearing upon the number and size range of dresses stocked. We all have to play by the rules and any risks can prove very expensive indeed, even ruinous.
I had a modest shop stocking an average of 60-70 samples from half a dozen labels and we retailed gowns at a price range of between £1200-£3500. Ironically, on the evening before our last trading day (I suddenly decided the day prior to flying up to Harrogate that I didn’t want to commit to buying another year’s worth of samples) I was notified that we’d won the 2012 Wedding Industry Awards ‘Best Bridal Retailer South West Region’ and had been invited to the national awards ceremony in London. Of course I had to decline the London invitation but I was absolutely humbled to the point of tears by the messages that my brides had written to accompany the votes that they had registered. I simply had had no idea that my little team, our shop had had such a positive effect on them at so important a time in their lives.
I tell you all this as it has direct relevance to the topic that you’ve raised re: the experience of brides when they shop for dresses.
So… My shop was an L shape and I made sure that the furnishings were quality where it counted i.e. thick soft wool carpet, comfortable upholstered chairs, and a lean, clean look, which best reflected me and my style. The back section of the store could be completely curtained off to transform it into the spacious changing/fitting area. The entourage sat out front and we were always grateful that the space available only facilitated three (absolute max 4) people to accompany the bride.
At this point I have a rhetorical question of my own. Why oh why do women who are quite decisive in so many areas of their lives defer so completely to others when it comes to liking or disliking a predominantly long, predominantly pale coloured dress? By God, I can say it now, but that used to infuriate me!
Anyway, once the bride was comfortable in a dress, we would pull back the curtain to reveal her. She always had the option of remaining at the rear of the shop, but she was in effect on view. I very rarely had any issue raised about this, though we served all types and figure shapes. My staff and I were always sensitive to the unspoken narrative however and modified our approach according to the vibe that we picked up on.
I have to say that I am a serious, straightforward woman. I didn’t go in for soft-soaping and never told a bride that she looked good in a style if that wasn’t the case. As a designer too, I had an in-depth knowledge of dress construction that enabled me to make intuitive suggestions about customisation, fit and accessorising, which meant that I was taken seriously and respected as someone who knew what they were talking about.
Perhaps this acted as reassurance to brides, giving them confidence and creating a sense of being in a very ‘safe’ environment?
We stocked a range of sizes from 10-16 being selective about the styles that we sized larger or smaller, trying hard to make our choices appropriate. We did stock Alan Hannah dresses in sizes 18 and 20 from a range especially cut by Marguerite on a fuller block for a few seasons but these dresses simply didn’t sell well. Larger brides never ever made a bee line for these gowns because they honestly just didn’t look as attractive on the rail! They preferred to select and squeeze into smaller samples that had more hanger appeal and who can blame them? Hence we abandoned the experiment at some cost to us and reverted to our previous approach of 10-16 again.
As for the champagne and cup cakes approach, I never bought in to that. I viewed that as superfluous, almost a bribe if you like, preferring to stand or fall on the quality and variety of our dresses. I did offer good coffee and tea or a glass of water for thirst quenching. To be frank, I saw myself as a professional and I’ve always struggled with the more saccharine side of the business though I reckon that was at my cost, literally. Luckily, my two members of staff were genuinely brilliant at all that.
To close (on an already over-long post) I knew that my days in the shop were numbered when I saw the headline on the cover of a bridal magazine one lunchtime. I was accustomed to brides wanting/expecting to be a princess for a day but when I read that they should raise their aspirations to become a ‘Goddess For A Day’ the writing was surely on the wall!
IMHO, the bridal industry has a great deal to answer for in that it has largely fostered an atmosphere of stress and angst in so many brides by over burdening them with choice – hence the references to feeling overwhelmed.
When I started out in the field, the items that a bride needed to host a wonderful wedding could be counted on the fingers of one hand. Now the list is quite literally endless.
A bit like my post.
Best end here.
I hope that bits and pieces have been useful.